Selfish

as you sit by the King on his throne
down below, i sit and feel alone.
so many things with you i wish i could share
yet all i can do is sit here and stare.
days have turned into weeks
and most days i feel the defeat.
i miss you more than my heart can stand
it's in those days i feel you take my hand.
the pain eases a little at a time
until i begin to feel just fine.
memories wash over me
it's then when my heart feels free.
you'd think it would get easier after a year
but your death...your death for me is still so clear.
i hate that you're not here to see what i see
to watch the kids grow up in front of me.
i know you're watching from up above
for down here i feel the love.
i know it's selfish to want you here
it'll always be like this year after year.
on the one day you took your last breath
is the one day i really hate death.
so tonight and tomorrow selfish i will be
after tomorrow i'll let my heart be free.

Te amo y te extrano!

Selfishness....that be me!

I tend to be a very unselfish person in general. But today, tomorrow, this week, this month, I want to be very selfish. Tomorrow will make a year that I have lost the one person who I counted on for everything. For love, for support, for laughter, for joy, for happiness, for the feeling of home. Tomorrow makes a year that the Good Lord took my Nana away from me. The year that's passed hasn't been easy. Sure on the surface things seem ok. I can hide the feelings well....on most days. Not today, not tonight.  Tonight, I feel the void. I feel the emptiness. Tonight I feel the anger and the sadness. Today, I hate... ok maybe not hate, but I dislike God very much. I know she is in such a better place...sitting in Heaven above with the good Lord, but dammit, I am angry. I am selfish. I want her here. I want her here to see the girls growing up. I want her here to tell me I am doing ok. To tell me she is proud of me. To tell me "Me too" when I tell her how much I love her. I want her here to laugh with me as I tell her some of the idiotic things I have done. I want her here to hear about the new friends I have made and how they brighten my day, even when I don't want my day to be brighten. I want her here to tell me to get over it, to move on with it, to stop and enjoy it. I want her here to tell me I have done well with Ty and that it's ok that I miss him and that I have done well in raising him. I want her here. I. Want. Her. Here. 
 I want her here to validate me and my choices that I have been making to do more for myself this year. I am always there for others, always ready to lend a helping hand, always there to put my life on the backburner and now, I want to to be selfish. Now I want it to be about me and not feel guilty about it. Tonight, tomorrow, this week, this month. I want to be selfish. I want her here! 
I strive to be the best I can be. To love unselfishly. To give unselfishly. To listen unselfishly. To be there unselfishly. Nana was my person. She was my go to. She was more than my grandmother. She was my mother. She was my best friend. She was my confidant. She was my home. I miss her as much as I need to breathe. The feelings will pass as I know she is no longer suffering. But tonight, tomorrow, this week, I want to feel angry. I want to be selfish.  I love you and miss you very much! <3

Te amo y te extraño. Más de lo que sabes. Me duele el corazón por ti, pero sé que estás con Dios. Sé que ya no estás en el dolor. Mañana te lloraré. Y al día siguiente. Pronto voy a recordar todos los buenos momentos que tuvimos. Pronto se perdonar y ser agradecido. Esta noche y mañana quiero ser egoísta.

Ever have *those* days...

Ever have those days when you are filled with sooo many emotions and you really don't know how to cope.The feelings come from several places, not on specific and you just don't know how to handle it much less what to think about them?
It's been like that for me today (yesterday) and actually the past several days.
So many changes. I don't even know where to begin. Mostly it's contentment, I think.
I am really focused on my educational path...although, yes, my procrastination gets in the way, I always pull it together when it's time. I work better under the pressure, but I seriously need to work on it! Gettin' there.
My heart has been so full lately. I really do honestly feel filled with the holy spirit. The night at the begging of the year I chose to go to church for special anointing, I have been filled. I felt/feel God's presence. So much emptiness I had been feeling with the loss of both of my grandmothers, dad's mini stroke (undiagnosed-but I really believe that's what it was), Tyler leaving home, and then later the loss of my uncle. Through the losses and changes, I have been readily able to see past that and truly count my blessings. I am so very thankful for the family God loaned me. For the friends I have, new and old. *smile*
So much has gone on, so much has changed. But realizing that it's ever present and evolving makes the transition that much smoother. Changes are expected, some for the better and some for the worse...so we think, but it is God who is just making way for something better. So why not go with it.
Today, my son sent me a pic of his diploma. It brought tears and so much joy to my heart and gave me such a peace of mind. My biggest worry with the move he made was that he wouldn't finish. I'll admit I had my doubts. Although he sees that I just lost faith in him, I think he can see now that I was only pushing him. It caused waves, but today, I'll take it. He graduated. I want to say it was in part due to my pushing and being that overbearing mother, but he may not see it. I know he hadn't in the past. I am convinced he does now. I am so proud of him, don't think he will ever realize just how much. My heart was ready to burst. I love him and miss him dearly, but know he has to be his own person. His own man. Thankfully we all (my children included) were brought up in a Christian based belief and upbringing. I know he will do just fine. He's proving himself daily. Can't wait to celebrate with him.
Myra has senior serve coming up later today...it's awesome. So thankful we can experience it together. Seniors giving back to their parents and family. Wish Ty was here to experience it, but such is life. I can't express how proud I am of her as well. All 3 have had to overcome so many obstacles and not even realized it. I have tried to not make it such a big worry but rather teach them to be grateful for what was and is. Struggles and obstacles are teaching us to stand firmly in our belief and move forward. Make the best of any given situation and just push through it. They have and they continue to do so.
My mind is swirling as is my heart. I'll have to continue tomorrow or you know, soon. :)
procrastination is a b..... lol.
But I know I am rambling now. Ahhhh!!!! Welcome again to my world. This is how it is all too often in my mind...my world. Come and experience the craziness with me... just for a spell. lol... until next time, babble on!
sas
(to be edited at a later time)

It Could Have Been Me...

It could have been me
that stood where she now stands
lovingly holding your hand.
It could have been me
with you, sharing a smile 
one that would go on for miles.
It could have been me
love outpouring through my eyes
luckily, I was able to see through your guise. 
It could have been me
pretending day after day 
keeping my fears at bay.
It could have been me 
that was living a lie
going to bed after a good cry.
It could have been me
but now it's plain to see
God truly heard my plea.
It could have been me
But God saved me for another
someone who'll love me like no other.
It could have been me
but I'll wait patiently 
for the one who truly deserves me.
It could have been me.

Skipping

No, silly, this isn't a blog on the proper way to skip or why one would skip, although, have you ever wondered how a person figured out how to skip. I bet you they were walking and were clumsy and tripped over their feet and just decided to call it skipping so as not to look super silly. What do you think? But why call it skipping? You don't actually *skip* a step, you are more like jumping instead. Hold on let me try it, brb.
Adults really, really look super silly skipping. Don't think I will be doing it again on purpose. Just doesn't look right. LOL
Anywho, skipping...I skipped class last night. It's gonna be hell trying to catch up. But my impatience won over my self discipline. I arrived to the college 25 minutes early specifically to find parking. Seems like EVERYONE was there early trying to find parking. Sucks to see someone heading towards the parking lot. You wait and see what direction they head. You rev up your engine just  lil and BAM!!!  The stalking begins.
You creepily follow them hitting your brakes occasionally just waiting for them to get to their car.
Wait what????? Oh heck no, she is STILL walking. Waaay over there, but the building I need is in the other direction. Crap, now I will have to keep driving. Around and around and around!  Oh there's one, nope someone's waiting. Ooooh another!!! Awww crap, that one's taken too. Geeez, it's almost 7:00. I hate being late. I continue driving, get more frustrated by the minute. Kept thinking to myself, actually no I kept yelling out loud, "oooh girl, you gonna make me go to jail."  Kept playing chicken for parking the ENTIRE time.
We both would go forward just a bit wondering who was going to take the spot. I give up. Ain't trying to get into a wreck and am certainly not trying to get my blood pressure any higher!
I look at the stupid clock and ah hellll no! It is now 7:15p... FIFTEEN minutes late for class. Another 10-15 minutes to still find parking and the lot is FULL of peeps in the same boat as me. We are all trying to find parking! Sucks to drive around and around and see a spot but someone's already waiting for it. So you see another and try for that one, but it's taken too. Then look in your rearview mirror and see someone exiting and there's someone behind you ready to take it!! DANGIT!!! Not to mention all the gas I have wasted driving around so far!!!  Not a happy camper!
Sooooo I opted to leave and head home. On the way, stopped by Baskin & Robbins and got some ice cream to calm my nerves!
And now, I'll be playing catch up for the remainder of the week. And I am ok with that.
Yay for playing hookie!

So how was your night?!?
Until later! SAS

A blog about absolutely NOTHING!

One would think that me being an insomniac, I would be more productive with my time.  Sadly, I am not.  Often I lay in bed WISHING I was asleep. WISHING I could just fall asleep. I can usually go 2-3 days without sleep. I tend to get a little crabby by midday of day 3. I have medication that I can take, but I am so stubborn that I refuse to take it on the daily. :( No bueno!
My insomnia is not as bad as it has been in the past. I usually only go through spells of insomnia now, so that is better, no? I actually laid down and started to watch a show on the lappy (laptop) and only realized I had fallen asleep when my phone revealed I had received a message. Only 20 minutes have passed. Yay for sleep....NOT!!!! Now I am wide awake and will be for some time now. Too late for meds, but dangit, my eyes are burning. So, now I write. About absolutely nothing and everything.
Ever have THOSE days? Where everything crosses your mind and you wonder about this and that? But really, it's all nonsense? You make mental to do lists, but never cross anything off. Or may even write one down, yet still it doesn't get done.
*I* need a to do list *FOR* my to do list :).
I started this year off in a really great place. My momentum has slowed down some but I am still heading in the right direction...mostly! My biggest obstacle is procrastination and I truly believe that I am getting better at it.  (well on most days). Remember earlier I mentioned you would think I would be productive. I SHOULD be packing up and moving stuff into the new apartment the girls and I were so anxiously awaiting. But dangit my afternoon sucked and I am tired. So, I chose to be here instead. *rolls eyes* I really should pack...well... more like move it into the new apt (that is just in another building. A building that takes 2 minutes to walk to) *sigh* I will squeeze in the time tomorrow. But we have a college thing for Myra in the A.M. and then Monster Jam in the evening! No time and rain is in the forecast! YUCK!
So....I got off track. As if that's new news. SMH!!  I was about to say, my year started off great. With so much loss my family and I faced in 2013, I figured the only way to go this year is UP! In my faith, finances, health, family, and hopefully, love. :) <3
I wanted to start blogging at least once a week....well, this procrastination thing kinda stuck me and hard...but hey it's only taken me 4 weeks to do it...could have been longer. I could have waited until next year :D  So yay me for starting it. Now to keep up!
I know I have done nothing but rambled, but eh! you are still here reading, so at the very least you find it mildly amusing .... or maybe just sad.  Poor thing, you have nothing better to do either?! or maybe, just maybe, you are a procrastinator, too?? What is it that you should being doing right now, this minute? Awww, I bet your head is tilted a little the left pitying me. lol. I found myself doing it!  Maybe you are nodding with a smile because you soooo can relate!?  :D
Anyway, I hope you come back from time to time and read my nonsense. This year has so much going on and I need an outlet. Why not be amused, angered, saddened, possibly in love, but mostly, why not share in my laughter and good humor. I have kick ass stories! My children are my muse. Love me some Tyler, Myra and Kassie!!!
So, grab a drink, get snuggly and proceed to read. Share a thought or two!! But don't make it long winded, there is only room for one long winded person in this blog, and that be me!!
Love to all, SAS!!! <3

Like An Oak Tree

Like an oak tree, she stands strong!
Moving with the ways of the wind,
Whatever branches may break, she will mend.
Worn and tattered she is year after year,
But she'll never look it, have no fear.
With a  heart of gold,
All the decisions she makes are bold.
Like an oak tree, she stands strong!
She stands with an outpouring of faith,
For in God's love does she daily bathe.
Tears, heartaches, and troubles are found,
But often overwritten with the love God spreads around.
As teacher and doctor, as aunt and sister,
As fighter and lover, as counselor and mother;
Like an oak tree, she stands strong!
Armed with intelligence and full of emotions,
Others she helps through her daily devotion.
Words of wisdom flow from her tongue,
Teaching and sharing that God's words can't be undone.
Filled with the spirit deep within,
Held by God's hand - she'll always win;
For like an oak tree.....she stands strong!