Selfish

as you sit by the King on his throne
down below, i sit and feel alone.
so many things with you i wish i could share
yet all i can do is sit here and stare.
days have turned into weeks
and most days i feel the defeat.
i miss you more than my heart can stand
it's in those days i feel you take my hand.
the pain eases a little at a time
until i begin to feel just fine.
memories wash over me
it's then when my heart feels free.
you'd think it would get easier after a year
but your death...your death for me is still so clear.
i hate that you're not here to see what i see
to watch the kids grow up in front of me.
i know you're watching from up above
for down here i feel the love.
i know it's selfish to want you here
it'll always be like this year after year.
on the one day you took your last breath
is the one day i really hate death.
so tonight and tomorrow selfish i will be
after tomorrow i'll let my heart be free.

Te amo y te extrano!

Selfishness....that be me!

I tend to be a very unselfish person in general. But today, tomorrow, this week, this month, I want to be very selfish. Tomorrow will make a year that I have lost the one person who I counted on for everything. For love, for support, for laughter, for joy, for happiness, for the feeling of home. Tomorrow makes a year that the Good Lord took my Nana away from me. The year that's passed hasn't been easy. Sure on the surface things seem ok. I can hide the feelings well....on most days. Not today, not tonight.  Tonight, I feel the void. I feel the emptiness. Tonight I feel the anger and the sadness. Today, I hate... ok maybe not hate, but I dislike God very much. I know she is in such a better place...sitting in Heaven above with the good Lord, but dammit, I am angry. I am selfish. I want her here. I want her here to see the girls growing up. I want her here to tell me I am doing ok. To tell me she is proud of me. To tell me "Me too" when I tell her how much I love her. I want her here to laugh with me as I tell her some of the idiotic things I have done. I want her here to hear about the new friends I have made and how they brighten my day, even when I don't want my day to be brighten. I want her here to tell me to get over it, to move on with it, to stop and enjoy it. I want her here to tell me I have done well with Ty and that it's ok that I miss him and that I have done well in raising him. I want her here. I. Want. Her. Here. 
 I want her here to validate me and my choices that I have been making to do more for myself this year. I am always there for others, always ready to lend a helping hand, always there to put my life on the backburner and now, I want to to be selfish. Now I want it to be about me and not feel guilty about it. Tonight, tomorrow, this week, this month. I want to be selfish. I want her here! 
I strive to be the best I can be. To love unselfishly. To give unselfishly. To listen unselfishly. To be there unselfishly. Nana was my person. She was my go to. She was more than my grandmother. She was my mother. She was my best friend. She was my confidant. She was my home. I miss her as much as I need to breathe. The feelings will pass as I know she is no longer suffering. But tonight, tomorrow, this week, I want to feel angry. I want to be selfish.  I love you and miss you very much! <3

Te amo y te extraño. Más de lo que sabes. Me duele el corazón por ti, pero sé que estás con Dios. Sé que ya no estás en el dolor. Mañana te lloraré. Y al día siguiente. Pronto voy a recordar todos los buenos momentos que tuvimos. Pronto se perdonar y ser agradecido. Esta noche y mañana quiero ser egoísta.